I watch you sleeping and I wonder how I got here. How I got to the decision that will change my whole life. I can't help being frightened. But every time I hesitate I just look at you and I know there's no way out this time. If I walk away it will be final. You made yourself quite clear.
Do you remember that night after Boromir died? I do, even though I managed for 3 years to act as if I didn't. But it's all still there, more vivid than that warrior's dead. I told myself it was grief, we both needed comfort and you allowed me to get away with that. Allowed me to use you and we both knew it.
A few weeks filled with some awkwardness and we were back at being friends. Those dreams at night, sometimes when I was wide-awake, well there were just those: dreams I told myself.
Then my divorce came through and you helped me. Not allowing me to drown in self-pity. Always there, but denying me the comfort of your body this time.
I am a very selfish man I guess and I never gave it a thought what it might have cost you to just be my friend. I didn't want to think about my feelings, let alone yours. So I pulled myself together and started again. New house, a lot of nice work and a pretty young girlfriend. All good.
Our schedules not allowing seeing each other much, we still were friends. I say were, because we're past that now. I guess we are lovers now. And again I am scared.I couldn't believe my eyes when you turned up at my hotel room here in L.A yesterday. I was so sure you were someplace on Earth promoting your movie.
I was very tired after talking to casting directors all day and my defenses were down. I hadn't seen you in almost a year and there you were.Standing on the doorstep like a shy schoolboy you were just what I needed. It felt so good to be able to be honest again, telling about my doubts and uncertainties in life.
It felt only natural to kiss you then, but again you stopped me. Accusing me of using you like a male version of a concubine. And finally told me you loved me. Before I knew it I told you I love you too. And it's true: I do love you.
Then you told me you wanted it all. That you couldn't live with the pain again I caused you the last time. So if I wanted you I had to commit. All I could think of was: "screw all I want you", so I said I would. That I would choose for you and would stay this time. So relieved to be honest.
What a glorious night we had Viggo. I don't think I ever felt like that before with any other lover. How can something so wild and unleashed be poetic? Still it was.
Skin to skin, feeling so right. So easy to let go. No worries no demands, just want and getting it without restrictions. To be able to say, "take me" without shame. To kiss every part of your body and it still isn't enough. It's only you I can be me with. But yet I couldn't sleep. Watching you sleeping like a child, your face relaxed - the face of a boy - despite the gray temples.
I know I never loved someone like that before. But I still think I can't do it. I will fail you.
Summary: Sean struggles with life.
Rated: R
Categories: Actor RPS Pairing: Sean/Viggo
Warnings: NoneChallenges:
Series: NoneChapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Word count: 603 Read: 836
Published: 03 Aug 2009 Updated: 03 Aug 2009