The alarm sounds like it's going off inside Sean's skull, even after he's reached out and shut it off. His eyes are still glued shut and his mouth tastes like he's been licking something he doesn't want to spend too much time thinking about.
I am way, way too old for this shite, Sean thinks as he crawls out of bed and staggers to the bathroom. He glances in the mirror and stops. Slowly, he moves back and looks into the mirror again. The face that he sees is familiar, yet subtly different from what he's used to. Christ, I look like a girl--and a bloody homely one to boot. I've really got to stop staying up all night drinking like that. Sean turns to the toilet, reaches down...and screams.
WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DICK?!?
Sean almost can't bring himself to look down. I'm still asleep. This is a nightmare. I'm never letting fucking Elijah talk me into drinking American beer again. He takes a long, deep breath. Okay. I'm going to wake up now, and I'm going to look down, and my prick is going to be where it's supposed to be.
Sean looks down. It's not there. He screams again.
"Sean? Sean, what's...oh. That's interesting." Viggo stands in the doorway. "Sean, did you know that you seem to be a woman?"
"I think I just might have fucking noticed that, thank--oh Jesus fucking Christ!" The voice that Sean hears when he opens his mouth is a good octave higher than what he usually hears. "What the fuck is going on, Viggo?"
"I'm not sure, Sean," Viggo says. He comes in and rests his hands on Sean's shoulders. "It's certainly unusual." Gently he squeezes Sean's shoulders. "I still find you attractive, just in a different way."
"Oh, thanks a fucking lot!"Sean yells. "And I'm not attractive--I'm a fucking ugly woman--I mean, look at that nose!"
"It's a bit...strong," Viggo has to admit, "But it does fit your face."
"You are not helping," Sean growls. It's a high-pitched, feminine sound that is much less effective than Sean's usual growl, and he doesn't like it at all. He turns back toward the mirror. The lines of his face have softened slightly, and his hair is longer. At least the beard is gone. And... "Well, these aren't too bad." He lifts a breast in each hand. "Not bad at all, really. Nice size and everything." He jiggles them experimentally. Oh, yeah, I could get to like this part.
"What are you going to tell Peter?" Viggo asks.
"Oh shit..." Sean groans. "I have no idea...oh God. What the fuck are we going to do?"
"Well, you know I'll support you in whatever you decide--" Viggo begins. Sean stares at him like Viggo's the one who woke up with tits.
"Decide?" Sean says. "Like I decided to be a girl this morning? Are you fucking on drugs, Viggo? I didn't fucking plan this! I don't want this!" To his horror, Sean feels his eyes fill with hot tears.
Viggo puts his arms around Sean. "It's okay," he says soothingly. "This is good--you're much closer to your emotions. Let it all ou--OW! Sean!" he yells as Sean punches him in the stomach. "I'm trying to help here!"
"Well, you're doing a piss-poor job of it!" Sean yells as he shoves past Viggo and heads into the bedroom. He grabs a pair of briefs, which fit very oddly now, and starts trying to pull his jeans on. Halfway up, they get stuck, and no matter how much he tugs, they won't go any further.
"Here." Viggo hands Sean a pair of sweat pants, which Sean manages to get over his newly-rounded hips. His shirt still fits, although it's quite a bit tighter than it was when he wore it a week ago. Viggo kisses the top of Sean's head. "Let's go talk to Peter. We'll work something out."
"Yeah," Sean sighs. "I'll flash my tits at him."
*****
"You'll certainly make a good Dernhelm!" Dom says brightly. Sean glares at him. He hates to complain, since he's not only still in the film, but he has a damned good part. But no matter what Viggo says, I'm still a damned ugly woman.
It's a warm day, and he's sweating in his costume. How in the bloody hell do women deal with these things--they itch! Sean wiggles his shoulders, trying to rearrange his breasts underneath heavy fabric of the gown. Out of the corner of his eye he can see Dom ogling him. Sean reaches over and smacks him.
"Bloody chauvinist pig, you are," he mutters, crossing his arms over his chest. The past three weeks of filming have been a strain on everyone. No one wants to call attention to the strangeness of the situation, but at the same time, no one's quite sure how to treat Sean. John keeps trying to hold doors for him. Only Viggo seems to be acting as though nothing has changed--except when they're in bed.
Sean forces that thought out of his head. If nothing else, he's grateful that when he gets horny, it's a lot harder for other people to tell--and these days, he seems to be horny all the damned time. The past few days have been especially wretched, with Sean rubbing up against Viggo every second that no one's watching. At least, when I'm not bursting into tears for no reason, or when I'm getting ready to strangle him for being such a git. But then he does that thing with his tongue, and...bloody hell. The memory is enough to make Sean clench his thighs together and bite his lips hard. Another nice thing about being a girl, he thinks, looking just a little smug.
"Hey, Sean!" Orlando bounces up to him. "Listen, some of us were talking about getting together tonight and having a couple of pints, maybe watch a match...er...I mean, if you still like that sort of thing..."
The look Sean gives Orli could freeze the lava in Mount Doom. "'If I still like that sort of thing.' Orli, when you and the hobbits and Viggo and me went out drinking a month ago, I liked it, right?"
"Um...yes..." Orli backs up a step.
"And aside from the obvious changes in my physical appearance, I'm still the same person I was a month ago, right?"
"Oh, yeah!" Orli nods vigorously. "You haven't changed much at all, not really...I mean...er...yeah, of course!"
Sean takes a step forward. "So are you saying that because I'm a girl, I won't like drinking beer and watching footie any more?" he says quietly, his voice pitched just loud enough to be heard. "Are you saying that women shouldn't drink beer and watch footie?" There's a snort from just behind them and Sean looks up in time to see Lani the stuntwoman trying unsuccessfully to stifle a laugh.
"No! Not at all! I'd never--I think Peter's looking for me!" Orlando dashes off. Sean just looks at Lani, and both of them grin.
*****
"This is a bloody--literally--mess!" Sean snarls. He's curled up on the sofa with the heating pad, the remote, and a large bottle of Midol. "I don't understand how women put up with this every month! You'd think some smart doctor would have figured out a way to get this to stop unless you actually, you know, wanted to have kids..." Sean turns pale. Oh fuck...if I'm having a period, does that mean I could get....no, that's ridiculous.
"Sean," Viggo says in that soothing tone that Sean is rapidly beginning to loathe, "think of it as being in touch with the primal rhythms of the earth...with the moon and the tides--"
The remote misses Viggo's head by inches."Will you just Shut. The. Fuck. Up!" Sean shouts after Viggo, "And bring me the goddamned chocolate!"
*****
"It's a strap-on," Viggo explains. "I got your measurements from Wardrobe and had the harness custom-made."
"Er...thanks?" Sean's turns the thing over in his hands, still not sure what he's supposed to do with it.
"I thought...well..." For once, Viggo actually seems at a bit of a loss for words. "I've missed having you fuck me, and I thought maybe we could try this."
Fucking Viggo with the dildo is the strangest thing Sean's ever experienced--which, under the present circumstances, is saying something. From the look on Viggo's face, he's certainly enjoying it, but for Sean, while the motion is the same as always, he can't actually feel anything but the occasional pressure against his pubic bone, not close enough to his clit to really do much. He's relieved at first when Viggo finally comes, until his lover kisses him and tries to snuggle up against Sean's side.
"Hey, now--wait a minute, Mr. Sensitive New-Age Guy," Sean says, poking Viggo in the arm. "You may be all ready to sleep, but I'm not, and if you know what's good for you, you'll be putting that tongue to work right about now."
Three orgasms later, Viggo's resting his head on Sean's thigh and snoring loudly. As Sean reaches over to turn off the light, he smiles. Looks like the Shieldmaiden of Rohan finally got her Ranger after all.
Summary: After staying up late one night drinking with the boys, Sean Bean wakes up feeling a little different.Viggo tries to be supportive
Rated: R
Categories: Actor RPS Pairing: Sean/Viggo
Warnings: NoneChallenges:
Series: NoneChapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Word count: 1532 Read: 706
Published: 02 Aug 2009 Updated: 02 Aug 2009