It's a widely known fact that Sean and Viggo hang out whenever they can. It has nothing to do with them thinking the hobbits too immature however, it's more that the hobbits think Viggo a little too weird, also Bernard and Karl say that they can only spend so much time with Sean before they get depressed.
Sean and Viggo are secure enough in their self-esteem to face these ludicrous allegations and call them, well, ludicrous. They like spending time with each other and none of the other actors really understands them anyhow, so there. Which may or may not have to do with Viggo's love affair with weed and Sean's Kramer-vs-Kramer relationship with booze.
Most of the evenings they hang out (which are followed by a day off) end with one of them stoned and the other completely plastered. So much that they sometimes can't even tell which one is which, not even the next morning.
They have a talk about this over breakfast at Sean's place where Sean makes breakfast eggs that are so runny that Viggo's face is sickly green for the duration of the talk which makes it no less important and meaningful.
They discuss their substance abuse ("Don't say such things about my weed! Your eggs are substance abuse!" - "Shut it Viggo, I'm being a sensible adult here, damnit.").
They agree that a. they won't mention it in public (or to Dom, which given his chatterbox nature, would be like calling up The Sun personally and telling them "Hello, this is Sean Bean and I am pretty sure I am an alcoholic and by the way, I occasionally have buttsex with this stoner bloke. Cheers!") and b. it is probably better that they don't remember anything that has been said and done during one of those nights.
Oh, yes, the buttsex - wondered when you'd ask about that. That is one of the things that they are pretty certain to have happened. They feel rather clever about their deduction skills, too, the evidence they collect is as follows:
- Viggo's butt hurts, Sean feels like he has strained a muscle in his thigh.
- Also, it’s a clue that they wake up in Viggo's bed together, tangled around one another sort of like the human version of the Gordian knot.
- Plus they are naked and in his fist Sean is holding a giant bottle of lube that neither of them recalls owning but that is half empty already.
The possibility that sexual intercourse happened (of which the room smells btw, and not just subtly so either. More like the cage of pumas in heat) is very high and it’s almost as likely that they had sex with each other, given the fact that there is no one else present. Sean reasonably argues that they might have called a hooker and that she stole their clothes and left while they were sleeping (which has at no point whatsoever happened to him before, no sir). But Viggo points out once again that his butt really hurts and that therefore either the hooker or Sean must have a monster dick. Sean tries to look scandalized but ends up looking about as smug as he feels (and a little hung over).
So yeah, there is occasional buttsex and they are both more amazed by the fact that they can still get it up when being completely out of it than the actual gay thing itself. Responsible grown ups that they are they have a talk about it anyway while still in bed. It mostly consists of Viggo saying “Hmpf, next time I’d like to be able to remember when someone takes my virginity,” and Sean, being the kind and caring friend that he is, does not point out that NO part of Viggo has been anything closely resembling virginal for at least twenty five years. Instead he offers to make Viggo breakfast eggs as a consolation. The conversation takes a slight detour from its original topic because Viggo feels the need to hold a half hour monolog about disgusting runny eggs, poor imprisoned chicken and the perversion that is Easter celebrations. Sean doesn’t mind, mostly because he dozed off again and Viggo has to raise his voice a little against his loud snoring.
They are pretty certain that most of their substance abuse nights end something like this, too. Viggo has a tendency to go on and on about complete random stuff and Sean has specialized on going on and on about women, and ex wives in particular. Again, they are sort of glad that they don’t remember what they said.
Only that sometimes one of them does remember. For example this one Monday morning, around 11 in the morning, Sean finds himself finally sober from the rather excessive Saturday night that he and Viggo spend in the Cuntebago. He is just sitting in the catering tent, mourning the absence of proper tea, when all of a sudden he hears Viggo’s voice in his head. When Vig comes back to the table, in full Aragorn outfit and munching on a cupcake with pink icing, Sean asks, “Is it possible that you composed a twenty stanza poem on Argentinean tea last Saturday?” Viggo blinks and looks somewhat awkward which is not due to the pink icing sticking to his messy beard stubble.
Or this late afternoon, take that for example. They film a scene in the Riddermark and it’s not all that surprising that Orlando falls off his mount again and drags Viggo with him, which is quite the feat given that they sat on two different animals. While Orlando somersaults down a small hill, Viggo bumps with his head against an inconveniently placed rock and that shakes something loose in his brain. When Sean rushes towards him (not that he had any business on that set but he had nothing to do and yeah, so Viggo looks hot when he is in charge and bossing people around even when they are just whiney lads from Canterbury and wannabe dwarfs), Viggo still lies on his back and looks up at Sean with amusement and bemusement.
“I just recalled,” he says, “that last weekend you spent half an hour planning on how your perfect wedding dress would look like. I think you complained about your lack of breasts and wanted something frilly.” In response, Sean mumbles something about having to see whether Orlando is alright and strides of purposefully slash in panic.
This keeps happening. Viggo remembers that Sean was inclined to sleep in the bathtub because he always gets such a sore throat from drinking and hey, lookit, there is plenty of water handy there. Sean recalls that Viggo made them roll around in the dirty dirtpit that he calls his backyard so he and Sean and the mud can form a spiritual union. Viggo is sure that Sean called him ‘my precious honeybutt’ for an entire evening (a nickname which, given the stickiness and once again waking up together the next morning, doesn’t seem all that randomly chosen). Sean remembers that Viggo liked it. This keeps happening oftener and oftener, and they feel less and less embarrassed by it. Just one of those things, hah.
Viggo also remembers how devastated Sean was when he finally got his divorce papers in the mail and that he kept saying “I just don’t know how to do it right, do I” all evening. Sean recalls how sometimes after a phone call with Henry Viggo just wants to catch the next plane home and when he remembers that he can’t he sits there and cries, feeling foolish and childish and fucking lonely. Yeah, they do remember those things as well.
One morning, Sean wakes up and spends the next five minutes with his eyes still closed, bathing in the amazing feeling of not having a headache of doom. Sleepily he wonders whether he finally managed to drink the right mix of alcohol that miraculously skips the hangover. Then he notices three things: 1 – he is having slight trouble breathing because he keeps inhaling something that smells of orange shampoo, horse poo and Viggo and is most likely Viggo’s hair, 2 – either someone dropped Viggo’s corpse onto Sean to suffocate him or Viggo is using him as a mattress and 3 – there is no hangover because there was no boozing the night before.
“Viggo,” Sean grunts and spits out strands of Viggo’s hair. He contemplates pushing him off of him when Vig doesn’t react but for that he’d have to move and also Viggo is making quiet happy noises which are both hilariously ridiculous and strangely arousing. Viggo shifts to get more of himself on top of Sean and pretends to be asleep. Sean experimentally says, “Good morning, my precious honeyarse” and Viggo snorts ill concealed laughter against his shoulder.
“So,” Sean says quietly because Viggo’s face is right there, “I remember that we had sex last night.”
“That’s great for you,” Viggo answers without opening his eyes. “Congratulations.”
“Thank you,” Sean says. “In case you forgot about it: It was great. I have the stamina of a horse and made you mewl like a kitten.”
This time Viggo opens his eyes and raises his head just so he can look down at Sean. With uttermost seriousness – well, or as much as you can muster when your hair looks like a birds nest anyway – he says, “Seriously Sean?”
“Yeah, well, you’ll just have to believe me, since you probably don’t remember.”
Viggo leans closer until their noses almost touch and Sean is a bit cross eyed, then he says very slowly, “I fucked you. You think I’d forget that?”
His breath ghosts over Sean’s lips and doesn’t smell minty fresh or of weed but Sean leans up and presses his mouth against Viggo’s anyway.
“No,” he says after that, his hands gliding down Viggo’s naked back under the crisp sheets. “Like I said, stallion and kitten.”
“I’m glad that you never thought of becoming a poet,” Viggo says and shifts again, so he can lie properly between Sean’s spread legs. “Otherwise I think I’d have to stop hanging out with you.”
Sean laughs quietly and obediently turns his head when Viggo nudges his cheek so he can kiss down Sean’s throat. One of the upsides of waking up without having boozed the night before is that he can actually get it up before 10 in the morning. He helpfully points that out to Viggo and Viggo thanks him profoundly for that vital bit of information before he wraps his hand around that part of Sean’s body that “just keeps getting bigger and bigger every time I see it; I have a riding scene tomorrow there is no way you’re gonna stick that thing into me, I’m just saying.”
Summary: It's a widely known fact that Sean and Viggo hang out whenever they can.
Rated: R
Categories: Actor RPS Pairing: Sean/Viggo
Warnings: NoneChallenges:
Series: NoneChapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Word count: 1837 Read: 846
Published: 13 May 2010 Updated: 13 May 2010