"I'm such a fucking idiot! I let him go... I let the best thing that ever happened to me slip away because I was afraid. Afraid of how intense what I felt was. I never told him, let him walk away and tried to convince myself it was for the best." He says to himself clenching his fists so tight his nails dig into his palms.

Viggo squeezes his eyes shut trying to will away the memory of that day in New Zealand. The day Sean poured his heart out and Viggo turned him away. Told him that it would never work, that being fifty five hundred miles away from each other was too much to overcome... that their careers would be in the way, suffer if word got out, that the world would be against them that it would never work. It was just lust, and an overlong movie shoot and Sean was confusing friendship for more. Viggo admitted he was attracted to Sean but said they would have to leave it at just friends... just friends.

Sean was hurt, but he didn't get angry, he just sighed and shook his head and walked away. Walked away; his shoulders upright, head up, and his back straight, and walked out of Viggo's life.

Viggo remembered everything about that day. The rain falling relentlessly outside, the way they had spent the afternoon together in comfortable companionship as always. Sean was dazzling, but hadn't he always been? The way his eyes sparkled when he laughed, the way the soft glow of the candles set off the golden hues in his hair. The candles had set a mood, not purposefully, the power had gone out from the storm. When Sean's hand had brushed over his softly Viggo had sucked in a breath. The touch had been electric and Sean had turned to him and poured out his heart and soul... and Viggo had tossed it all back at him. Sean had left during the height of the storm and Viggo had stood at the window wishing the earth would open up and swallow him whole.

Weeks later they had parted as friends... making hollow promises. Viggo hadn't seen him in months, but in his dreams he saw Sean every night. His soul was calling to him but he may as well have been ten thousand miles away or even a million miles for that matter. Sean was gone... he wouldn't come back. Men like Sean didn't crawl, and they didn't beg... and why should he? It was your fault. The voice in Viggo's head tells him viciously. All your fault you fucking coward.

Now all Viggo has left are the words that he wishes he'd said. Wishing he'd told Sean that he'd spent nightsa33;every night thinking of him. Missing the ghost of what could have been, but then again blood and fire is too much to hold just like the song says.

He tries to convince himself that even if he had said yes it wouldn't have lasted... Sean was like a shooting star. Intense, and burning fast, streaking bya33;scorching all in his path. You can't hold onto that no more than you can stare at the sun too long without going blind.

Viggo looks up at the sky outside his window and physically shakes as he stares at the twinkling stars in the inky blue black night sky. Mocking him. He rests his forehead against the cool glass and sighs.

"Stupid... so stupid." He whispers between wracking sobs as he slides into the floor.

Then he listens to the words of the song repeating again.

Cause I am intense, I am in need
I am in pain, I am in love
And I feel forsaken you know
Like the things I gave away

Viggo is in need, in pain, and in love... and he feels utterly forsaken by what he gave away... turned away. The words ring true... that comforts him a little bit. Someone else in the world has felt like this and they survived.

He wipes the tears from his face and looks at the faint light coming from the stereo for a moment. If only... if only he hadn't turned him away. If only Sean hadn't been so proud... if only he, himself weren't so fucking stubborn.

He couldn't think, he couldn't paint, he couldn't write. The last six months he'd been in a fog, and couldn't find his way out. The sun didn't shine for him anymore... because Sean was his sun and he had pushed him away. Preferring darkness to light, preferring pain to joy, stupid, and stubborn.

The shrill ringing of the telephone startled him out of his thoughts. He scowled and let the machine get it. He wasn't in any condition to speak to anyone.

The machine clicked on and Orlando's voice came over the speaker.

"Viggo? I need to talk to you, man. Call me... it's important." Orlando said into the phone. Viggo scrambled up and went to the phone hoping to catch it before Orlando hung up. He hadn't realized until just then how desperately he'd needed to hear the voice of a friend.

"Hel-lo." He stuttered into the phone fumbling it.

"Vig? God, you sound like shit." Orlando gasped.

"I feel like shit." Viggo informed him.

"Well then it must be catching... I called because I ran into Beanie today." Orlando said.

Viggo felt his heart crumble to dust. "How is he?"

"Not good... not good at all. It's like all the life has drained out of him... whatever happened between the two of you. Something... anything has to be done. The two of you are falling apart, man. I love you both and seeing him that way and hearing you this way... fuck. You two need to talk." Orlando scolded.

Viggo wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it. Orlando of all people scolding him.

"Orli it's complicated." Viggo began.

"No, it's not." Orlando interrupted. "You were friends at one time."

"We are still friends." Viggo defended weakly.

"No... no you aren't. You are acquaintances who worked on the same movie... your friendship ended the day he left New Zealand." Orlando continued.

Viggo felt new tears welling up clogging his throat and making his chest ache. Orlando was right. Damn him to hell but he was right and it was all his own fault. He'd caused this. Sean didn't deserve this.

"Are you there?" Orlando asked.

"Yes." Viggo choked out barely able to give voice to the word.

"Shit... Viggo call him, please... straighten this out." Orlando warned. "Either that or I'm going to set Ian loose on you."

Viggo would have laughed at that threat any other time, but this time.

After he got off the phone with Orlando he sat on the edge of the couch thinking. Sean's number memorized... he'd tried to call before but never could. How could he now? After so long?

Then he picked up the phone, fingers hesitating over the first few digits of Sean's number... then he dialed the airline and booked a ticket to London.

This was it... stubbornness, pride, were no match for the heartache he felt now. He had to go to Sean if Sean wasn't going to come to him. The ball was after all in his hands... he'd fumbled it once but this time... this time it would be different. They can't live like this. He wasn't doing it for himself he was doing it for Sean...he deserved better. Deserved to know the truth.

When Viggo arrived in London he worried about whether or not Sean would even be home when he got there. He didn't know Viggo was coming... what if he was gone? Viggo had no clue about his schedule... what if he was away shooting?

When he arrived in front of Sean's house he practically ran up the steps and began beating on the door. It was early... barely seven in the morning.

After beating on the door for a while he heard the door latch click and then the door opened.

Sean stood in front of him with his hair mussed, his jaw covered with at least two days worth of stubble, and his eyes blood shot. He wore only an open white shirt over a pair of ratty jeans and Viggo thought he looked like a fallen angel.

"Viggo?" Sean asked in a raspy voice that spoke of too many cigarettes and too much alcohol.

"Sean." Viggo answered his voice shaking.

"What are you doing here?" Sean asked stepping back to let Viggo into his house.

"I honestly am not sure. Orli called me last night, and I got on a plane and here I am." Viggo admitted.

"Orli?" Sean asked registering that he'd seen Orlando the day before.

"Sean... there are some things we need to talk about." Viggo said then.

"Viggo... I just woke up, not sure I'm up to this right now." Sean said pinching the bridge of his nose and looking very uncomfortable.

"I'm not exactly in top form myself, but this can't wait anymore. I can't wait anymore." Viggo answered.

"You can't wait? You've got to be fucking kidding me." Sean spat spinning around his shoulders back, his hands clenched into fists.

"Just hear me out, Sean." Viggo pleaded. Part of him wished Sean would hit him. He would welcome the pain.

Sean laughed humorlessly and shook his head. "You come to London, to my home, wake me up, after all this time and expect me to hear you out? I heard you loud and clear back in New Zealand, Viggo. Whatever we might have had is past. It's done. Let it go... let me go damn you. Get out of my brain, get out of my heart, get out of my fucking house, and out of my God forsaken life!" Sean barked tears sliding down his face as he weaved back and forth as if he would collapse any second.

"Sean, please." Viggo pleaded wanting nothing more than to wrap him up in his arms and protect him. God, he'd caused this... caused Sean to hurt and it was killing him. He'd never expected this. Never expected those feelings in New Zealand to last... to do this to both of them.

"I can't take this again, Viggo." Sean whispered leaning against the wall. The only thing seperating him from collapsing into the floor.

"Just hear me out." Viggo pleaded again.

"Then speak and then get the fuck out." Sean spat regaining some of his composure.

"I made a mistake." Viggo began and Sean offered a derisive snort but didn't interrupt. "I... I was wrong. I thought... I thought it would be better if we didn't get involved, if we just stayed friends and didn't act on the other. In the process though I lost your friendship... I miss you." Viggo stated softly.

"So you want your friend back." Sean answered softly putting spiteful emphasis on the word friend.

"No. I want you back." Viggo answered.

"What do you mean? You never had me. You turned me away remember?" Sean asked angrily.

"I want you back and all that entails. All of it. I can't live like this... I feel like my heart is being ripped out more each day. I thought it would go away... I thought it was just physical... it was just spending so much time together... being the same age. I thought it was just New Zealand... a long shoot and close friendship. Now it's been six months and I am going crazy. It's as if a part of my soul walked away with you that day... It's the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life." Viggo explains earnestly praying Sean will accept his apology.

Sean stares at him, his green eyes glittering with unshed tears.

"So what are you saying?" Sean asks trying to understand and not wanting to get his hopes up after so long.

"I can't paint, can't write, and can't think, except of you. You are burned into my heart... into my soul. I am in pain without you... physical and emotional. I am in love with you, I always have been but I was afraid. Afraid of the intensity of it... afraid of what it meant... afraid of what might be." Viggo explained.

Sean stood there staring at him for a moment and then blinked and looked away.

"So this is about what you want?" Sean sneered.

"No. No...I just. I made a mistake...I want to go back...erase that day if I could." Viggo defended.

"It took you six months to decide all this?" Sean asked quietly after a moment of consideration.

"No, it took me six months to get over my stubbornness." Viggo answered.

Sean laughed softly.

"What I need to know is if you still feel the way you did then."

Sean looked at him with a look of sheer shock.

"Good God, for someone so intelligent you are daft." Sean answered running his hands through his hair and shaking his head.

Viggo nodded in response.

"So... what now?" Viggo asked feeling completely exhausted, the sleepless nights, the long flight, and the intensity of pouring his heart out taking its toll on him.

"Look at you... shite, Viggo." Sean answered with pure concern tingeing his voice.

"Is there a chance... or should I go now?" Viggo asked.

"Oh you daft fucking sod... come on. I'll make you some tea." Sean said his voice sounding exhausted walking to the kitchen ahead of him but keeping his distance.

Viggo hung his head and followed him silently.

"Sit down before you fall down." Sean advised as he crossed to the stove and heated the kettle.

Viggo took his advice and collapsed into a chair watching Sean move about the kitchen.

"I'm sorry I fucked up." Viggo said after a several moments of silence as Sean leaned against the counter opposite him.

"Nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal, Viggo. Mistakes are made... we both made them. We've both made them before. I'm not perfect ya know. We were stubborn, both of us." Sean admitted as he poured a cup of tea for Viggo and then one for himself.

Viggo nodded. "You weren't the one who turned your back I was."

"I walked away without a fight if you recall." Sean answered softly staring into his tea cup as if the answers to the universe were in there.

"Why did you?" Viggo asked.

"Part of me thought you might be right... that it was too soon after my divorce... that I was doing what you said and mistaking friendship for more. I just couldn't remain your friend. I wanted to, but it hurt too much." Sean answered.

"Now?" Viggo asked.

"Viggo, you aren't the only one who has spent sleepless nights. I've been in a haze since that day... it's been eating away at me little by little each day. I thought it would go away in time, but it only got worse. I thought I was loosing my mind because I would see you everywhere... like you were a ghost or some fucking mirage." Sean explained still unable to look at Viggo directly as if he were afraid if he did that he'd disappear like the ghost and mirages he had been speaking of.

"We both made mistakes." Viggo said after a moment.

"We did." Sean answered.

"So where do we go from here?" Viggo asked.

"What do you want?" Sean countered.

"You." Viggo answered honestly.

Sean looked up and his eyes met Viggo's. They stared at each other across the kitchen for a few minutes and then Sean set his cup on the counter as he did Viggo noticed his hands shaking.

"Sean?" Viggo asked standing up and crossing the room. "I want to try again... to start over... erase the past."

"Have you thought this through? Remember your argument in the past?" Sean asked warily.

"I've thought it through and nothing matters except you. We will find a way to make it work." Viggo answered closing the distance between them. His arms aching to hold Sean after all this time... all the time he had denied himself and Sean.

Sean's eyes were sparkling like green jewels just as he'd remembered them.

"I love you." Viggo whispered closing the distance between them.

"Took you long enough." Sean whispered smiling slightly, still wary. Viggo laughed softly then leaned forward and caught Sean's lips under his own.

Sean's arms came up and wrapped around him pulling him closer, the kiss tentative at first deepened to more and Viggo felt the world spinning out of control. No one had ever made him want like this... need like this. When Sean's lips parted in invitation Viggo moaned into the kiss. God, he'd wanted this for so long. Their lips sliding over each other and their tongues dancing together, tasting, savoring, a prelude to so much more.

All too soon Viggo pulled back to gaze into Sean's eyes. He needed to see it there. He raised his hand and briefly touched Sean's face tenderly. It was as if he was confirming this was not a dream before he moved in again. Swirls of breath intermingled for just a moment and then lips met again in a new and gentle yet firm kiss their tongues wrapping and sliding together.

The world seemed to simply fall away except for the two of them. It was as if Viggo wanted to convey all that he was, all that he felt for Sean into a kiss. His heart his soul, everything that he was.

Sean felt as if his heart was a trapped bird fluttering against his chest, his thoughts spinning wildly. Finally he had the object of all his desires wrapped in his arms and he began to come alive as if for the first time under Viggo's touch. He slid his hands into Viggo's hair, and deepened the kiss even more. When he did Viggo moaned softly into the kiss before finally drawing away to drag in a breath of air.

Then reality seemed to catch up with Viggo. "Sean... are you sure about this?" He asked unable to stop running his fingers through the other mans hair. Knowing that Sean understood far more than the question spoken.

"I've always been sure about how I feel about you." Sean answered.

Viggo felt tears prickling at his eyes. This was where he belonged, in Sean's arms... always.

Sean's hand came up to caress the side of his face the way Viggo had done to him.

"I've missed you." Sean whispered wiping a tear that escaped.

"I've missed you too." Viggo whispered in return before they kissed again. This time blood and fire, want and need... and they were both grappling with one another's shirts.

Viggo's lips slid across Sean's jaw nipping, biting, kissing, and claiming his way down his neck to his collar bone. Sean gasped at the assault and his hips thrust forward to grind against Viggo.

"Oh God... Sean." Viggo breathed against his skin. Sean pushed him back and then wrapped his fingers in Viggo's and led him to the bedroom. They stopped several times on the way upstairs to kiss, and hold, and whisper words of love they should have been whispering months ago.

Once in the bedroom Sean tugged Viggo toward him and kissed him deeply before they tumbled onto the bed. Hands moving along overheated skin, pushing, and tugging at jeans and shirts until soon they were skin to skin.

"Viggo." Sean whispered over and over between kisses his eyes dancing with a mixture of love and lust.

"I feel like I am being consumed from the inside out, God Sean I've missed you... wanted you." Viggo whispered against damp skin.

"Viggo... please... I need you... please." Sean begged before shifting and rolling Viggo under him pressing him into the mattress.

"Sean... I love you... I love you." Viggo whispered as Sean's hot mouth traveled down his chest, down his stomach leaving a trail of fire until he reached his destination.

Viggo gasped and bucked his hips up off the bed as Sean's mouth closed around the head of his cock. "Sean!" Viggo called out unable to control thrusting his hips... he'd wanted this for so long. He'd been so stupid... now here he was.

"Forgive me." Viggo whispered and Sean looked up and released him. He smiled up at him.

"Odd request when someone has your dick in their mouth." Sean teased grinning.

Viggo returned the grin and felt like his heart might burst. He'd missed that grin... missed his friend... missed the man he loved.

Sean returned his attention to Viggo's cock and he nearly screamed when Sean's throat constricted around him. Oh God!

"Sean... Sean... please I'm not gonna last this way." Viggo called out shivering with want and need.

Sean stilled and slid back up Viggo's body and kissed him lovingly. Viggo rolled Sean over and settled between his thighs.

"Nightstand." Sean answered the question before Viggo could ask.

Soon Viggo had lube and then slick fingers were sliding into tight heat that was all consuming. He curled his fingers and reveled in the way Sean arched against him and moaned.

So good... so good and it was only going to get better.

Viggo soon had three fingers buried deep inside his lover... and Sean was crying out.

"Please... Viggo please... we've waited long enough!" Sean begged.

Viggo leaned down and kissed him as slicked his cock without breaking the kiss. Then he shifted positions slightly and leaned back tugging Sean's legs up over his shoulders. He began a slow slide inside of his lover, stopping to allow Sean to relax around him each time he saw his brow furrow.

"Just do it." Sean bit out.

"Don't want to hurt you." Viggo answered.

Sean frowned and Viggo looked sadly at him. "Not anymore... don't want to hurt you anymore."

Sean reached up and caressed his cheek. "Please."

Viggo's heart melted at the softly whispered plea and thrust forward until he was buried deep within Sean. He felt wetness on his cheeks and realized he was crying. When he looked down Sean was too.

"Sean?" He murmured.

"Move damn you." Sean commanded bucking up against him and grinning all the while tears ran down to the coverlet on the bed.

Viggo bit his bottom lip and began thrusting forward slightly... slowly. He wanted this to last. They'd waited so long... so very long and he wanted it to last forever.

They moved as one... slowly, each slow thrust erasing all the pain they'd felt... all the time they'd wasted.

They began to pick up speed as the pleasure began to overwhelm them, then Viggo shifted and pulled Sean up letting his legs drop and wrap around him. They were chest to chest now... Viggo's arm clutching Sean to him and Sean's arms wrapped around Viggo's back. Clutching, clawing, claiming, trying to crawl into one another's skin.

"Oh God!" Sean cried out as each thrust in this new position rubbed constantly against his prostate. Their rhythm becoming erratic and hurried... no longer slow and loving but desperate for release. Desperate to erase the past and start over again.

Sean screamed his release as it splashed between them, from only the friction of their bodies and the pounding of his prostate. Viggo lost control at that... he hadn't even touched Sean's cock but he'd come undone and soon Viggo joined him with stars exploding behind his eyelids.

They slid bonelessly to the bed wrapped in one another.

"Love you." Sean panted wrapping his arms tighter around Viggo.

"Love you. I'm sorry... so sorry." Viggo whispered brushing kisses over Sean's shoulder, cheek, and neck. They fell asleep wrapped in one another.

-----

Late that afternoon Sean woke up to Viggo sitting in a chair by the bed watching him over a sketch pad.

"How long have you been awake?" Sean asked stretching.

"About an hour."

"Really? Why didn't you wake me?" Sean asked.

"Don't move." Viggo commanded softly and Sean relaxed realizing through his sleep fogged brain that Viggo was drawing him.

"First thing I've drawn in months." Viggo whispered his hand moving steadily over the page.

Sean grinned. "There are better things to draw than me." Sean murmured.

"Nothing is better to draw than you." Viggo answered. "No amount of paint, or charcoal or talent in the world could be good enough to capture what you mean to me."

Sean blinked at the compliment and swallowed hard. Why had they been so stubborn?

Sean lay there watching until Viggo lay aside the pad and pencil.

"We've a long way to go." Viggo began.

"I know... but as long as we work through it together we can make it work." Sean whispered. "No more stubbornness."

"Yeah... we can make it work. No more stubbornness." Viggo answered sliding into the floor beside the bed and resting his head against Sean's. "We'll make it work." He whispered tangling his hand with Sean's.

Viggo thought to himself. You can hold on to a shooting star but you do get burned... blood and fire, love and passion. It only means you secure yourself to heaven and hold on all that much tighter. You learn how to embrace desire... learn how to whet fire with love and not let go.

Never let go.

"You're ten thousand miles away." Sean whispered softly rubbing his thumb over the back of Viggo's hand tangled in his own.

"No... I'm here beside you... always. Never letting you go again." Viggo whispered back kissing him softly and Sean smiled.