Summary: Sean feels uncertain.

Rated: NC-17

Categories: Actor RPS Pairing: Sean/Viggo

Warnings: None

Challenges:

Series: Fire and Ice

Chapters: 4 Completed: Yes

Word count: 4005 Read: 4533

Published: 30 Jul 2009 Updated: 30 Jul 2009

Author's Chapter Notes:
Sean realises that he is attracted to Viggo.
Notes: The stanza in the beginning is taken from Voluspa. It tells of the creation of the world. The yawning gap is called Ginnungagab and it is filled with fog from the mixing of the fires of Muspelheim and the ice of Niflheim.

3. Of old was the age | when Ymir lived;
Sea nor cool waves | nor sand there were;
Earth had not been, | nor heaven above,
But a yawning gap, | and grass nowhere.


Sean does not understand what is happening.It is as if he has disappeared, leaving nothing behind but emptiness and longing.

He has always felt pretty secure about who and what he was. Hell, he made it through RADA didn't he; stood up for himself back home when he was mocked for wanting to be an actor. Had the scars to prove it even.

But this-

This is slowly eating away at him, confusing him.

This being his -

He can recognize lust when he meets it. Lust and other things and that is what it is.

But this is wrong and strange and scares him half to death.

For the images that start out nice and normal, when he closes his eyes to let his mind take away the loneliness of his own hands in bed at night curved buttocks, swelling breasts, long necks arching suddenly changes.And he cannot fool himself any longer.

During the day they talk and work and play, acting as silly as the young ones, and during the nights he gets himself off to thoughts of how Viggo's hands and mouth would feel on his skin. On his cock.

Sean is disgusted by himself. Not so much because of the 'wanting it' as for wanting Viggo. His mate. When he makes Viggo shake with laughter, he sits with a smile on his face and a sinking feeling in his stomach, feeling like a traitor.Viggo is his friend and yet he.. yet he uses him like that.Lies to him.Betrays him.

And because honesty matters - a lesson learned too late perhaps, but learned oh so well - and because Viggo is his mate and once spent hours talking to Sean after they had had to ride that godforsaken chopper and he couldn't stop shaking - hours even though the view was spectacular and Viggo must have been dying to rush off with his camera - because of this and all those other moments he sits him down one night and tells him.

Viggo is quiet but attentive, peering at Sean as if trying to figure him out. Sean tries to explain, wrestling with words he isn't even sure he has. "It's not that I'm queer, it's just.."

"Why me?" Viggo's voice is softer than usual and Sean doesn't know what to say. Doesn't know anything anymore it seems. Merely shrugs and says nothing.

Then Viggo gets up from his chair and Sean closes his eyes, expecting the shattering impact of a blow to his jaw, or the cold air of Viggo walking past him, leaving.Not expecting soft lips to brush against his own.Not expecting the jolt of lust, making him hard.Not expecting his own hands to drag Viggo down.

That was how it happened.

He never asked Viggo about his past. His experience with other men. Knew he wouldn't like the answer either way.

He never volunteered any information about that one time way back and how bad he had felt afterwards even though it had only been a wank. Because they had never spoken afterwards and now he hardly remembers the guy's name. And that doesn't seem right.

Viggo will go down on him, will touch him, will offer himself up to Sean. And Sean takes and touches and kisses in return. And they never speak of what will happen later.

And Sean knows that it isn't just lust, knows it with the certainty of heartbeat and blood. Knows it lying awake at night, looking at Viggo sleeping.And the joy of having owning is the brightest flame.But the fear of loss is burning cold. And it chills him.